I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
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