Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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