I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
