im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
Randomize
