he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
Randomize
