Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
On a scale of one to 10 how Risky is it to sleep with a married man (all morals set aside)
Randomize
