It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
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