Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw
strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing
could be more
absolutely not
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Randomize
