when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Randomize
