Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Randomize
