i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
where are my eyebrows?
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
