Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Randomize
