I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
we dont know what were doing after yet. first up we have 90 beers and a party kit and fun hats.
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
