The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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