Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
That reminds me...we need to get swords
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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