Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
Randomize
