Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
