I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize