If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
You're a waste of cheezeits
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
