two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
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