I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
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