i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
Randomize
