My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
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