You can't motorboat a personality
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
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