So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Randomize
