Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Randomize
