I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
Randomize
