she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
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