You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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