When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
Randomize
