Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
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