OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
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