Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
super hot butfun
Oops. What a difference a comma and a space make.
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
