I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
My balls are so social today.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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