Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
this is like her 8th guy since december, is she wasn't frumpy people would call her a whore
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
I look excited, but its just a facade.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
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