sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
Please don't give away my fajitas
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
