So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
