Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Randomize
