your room smells of hookers.
And success
your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
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