You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize
