true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
Randomize