Could you imagine if a Skynet machine combination of Bob Ross and Chuck Norris were built? It would rule the universe with a soft spoken fan brush of kung fu dominance
It would be truly incredible. I hope we are blessed with this being in our lifetime.
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Randomize
