Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
