can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Edward fifth and chaser hands
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
Randomize
