vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Dude she threw his clothes out n 8th floor window and her dog tried to bite his dick off. So the answer is yes it could be worse...
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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