that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
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