A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
Randomize
