hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Randomize
