Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I wanna passion pit in your ass
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
Randomize
