a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
wake up i wanna do it froggy style
called my therapist. she asked if I was sad bc of m.j.'s death. are ppl that pathetic?
you need more empathy. some people get depressed for reasons OTHER than being a whore.
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
Walk back down Church toward Mass Ave. Take a right and head for the guy in a kilt on top of the really tall unicycle. C u soon!
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
Randomize
