The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
Randomize
