I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
I JUST WANT SOMEBODY TO EXPLAIN HOW FORESKIN WORKS AND DO NOT UNDERSTAND WHY THIS IS A PROBLEM.
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
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