oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
