your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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