from now on my penis is your penis
"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Randomize
