After last night I still want u
But please keep that on the DL
hahaha my homeschooled cousin put up graduation pictures. it's just her standing in front of her fire place. With a hand made diploma.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
