There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Randomize
