I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Randomize
