Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
Agreed. Everyone should experience a blackout before 3pm in their lifetime.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Randomize
