Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
