I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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